Today

Today was one of those days when I really could not get anything done at work, my boss pissed me off, my plans for tomorrow got screwed which puts a damper on the things I would have liked to achieve tomorrow work wise thanks to guess what… work.

Today was also the day after I found out the insurance company will only give me life insurance coverage of a third of what I would have gotten (for the premium I can afford to pay) if I had not been honest and told them I had been to the doctor in the last however many months. I guess it is no use telling your children to be honest because it apparently does not get you anywhere except screwed.

I am only insured for the value of a car because I just might be sick. I have yet to be diagnosed with anything and they just could not wait until I actually had a diagnosis and “it was a hard decision whether to insure me or not”. So I suppose the underwriter wanted me to be grateful. What do you know, because I might be a little dented (no major damage, no engine trouble, no water damage due to Gustav) I am worth only the grand total of the cost of a car and maybe not even a new one depending on the model. But I think the thing that really gets me is that they will not review my case for two years and even if I go to the doctor the week after next (which is when I am due to go back) and he tells me I am perfectly fine and I am more likely to die from a bullet or have a vehicle mow me down than from any illness, I will still be labelled as sick by the insurance company for two bloody years.

Today was also the day that I found out I am invited to a wedding next February. I like being I invited to weddings by non-family and not as the person after the and, as in “so and so and guest”. Family feels like obligation but with non-family it means that they really thought about it and they really wanted you to be there. I am a girl so I am all into the wedding thing. Of course you have to have the obligatory invitees but for the most part I want my wedding (if I ever have one) to be witnessed by the people that really matter in both our lives no matter the number, unless there are way too many people that matter to us both than we can afford to feed. In that case, we will have to elope and hope that all the people who will be mad at us for eloping will come around once the first child enters the picture (should we be so blessed).

Today was also the day I discovered D. H. Lawrence’s poem “The Elephant Is Slow To Mate”. Maybe I belong to the elephant family, but that’s an aside. The poem piqued my curiosity about elephants and thanks to good old Wikipedia I found out that female elephants are usually attracted to “bigger, stronger, and, most importantly, older males”. This is a strategy to increase their offspring's chances of survival. I suppose us ladies could take a few lessons from the elephants and adopt it to human life. Let’s face it this whole finding a mate thing is more about reproduction than about, dare I say it, love. Do not get me wrong I am not a cynic when it comes to love. I think love is a very wonderful thing and an even more wonderful thing is the realization that the person that you love loves you back with equal (never less) force.

Let’s look at it objectively. The female elephants do not necessarily go for the nicest looking male elephants or the one with the nicest car. Just humour me; I know elephants do not drive cars. I suppose we could equate the car thing to the fastest elephant. The fact is the strongest elephant may not be the fastest. A weaker elephant may have to be faster so he can outrun the enemy whereas the stronger elephant can stand up and fight. Maybe I am taking this whole elephant thing too far, but the bottom line is this, the whole mating thing is not all frivolity and one should be smart. One last elephant thing, even though they are huge they are gentle lovers and they are not exhibitionists. When they are ready to mate they usually go away from the herd for a while.

How did I end up at D.H.Lawrence? Apart from the fact that I have not finished reading “Women In Love” (one book of many I have started and put down for more frivolous, however, less interesting ones), I found a quote attributed to him today – “Be still when you have nothing to say; when genuine passion moves you, say what you’ve got to say, and say it hot.”

Today is also the day when it is out with the old and in with the new. “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade” has been replaced by “When life gives you lemons you have the beginning of a great gin and tonic”.

What's On My Mind Today

It’s 8.05 p.m. Jamaica time and I am sitting at home finding everything to do except the assignment that is due tomorrow that I haven’t even started and don’t have a clue how to do. I had asked for an extension yesterday but the response to that request has not been forthcoming, so unless when I wake up tomorrow there will be an email in my box saying extension granted, I’m basically screwed. And if it is that said email will be there tomorrow, it would be great if I found that out about right now.

I have been sitting here going over the day’s events. I have thought about the lyrics to Linkin Park’s “Leave Out All The Rest”, the child who thinks he has an interfering parent who he just wants to leave him alone, how empty I felt today and the lengths one goes in the name of “love”. So, each one in turn:

Leave Out All The Rest is my song for this week. You know that in Jamaica no matter how bad a person was, nothing bad is ever said at the funeral (at least not in the official proceedings), well this is the song, in my opinion, that the not so great people would sing before dying if our culture was not what it is. The song is much more than that but you listen and decide for yourself what you want it to mean.

And to the child who wants to be left alone. One day you are going to wake up and that interfering parent is not going to be there and you know what, you are going to miss him. There will be a void that no one in any other shoes will be able to fill. In most cases our parents do what they think is best for us; give them the courtesy of at least listening before jumping to conclusions. And it does take them a while to get used to the fact that you are an adult capable of making your own decisions and dealing with the consequences. But they are always going to want to save you no matter where you are or how old you are.

I cannot think of a particular reason for the emptiness, but today was one of those days. We all have them, some of us worse than others. But we live through them even if we feel like we would not want to and then before you know it, it is tomorrow with its own agenda. So on to tomorrow.

Love is a wonderful thing. I have no problems with love, but what is it about being in love or it might just be plain infatuation that makes us act in the craziest of ways? Relationships have to be based on reciprocity. You give and I give. Not I give all the time and you take all the time. While I do acknowledge the need to not keep score in a realtionship, you do have to keep a tally of sorts. This is not to be used as ammunition but to evaluate if the relationship is giving you all you need and/or you are sacrificing too much. Granted, what works for one person may not work for another and given your maturity level, your self esteem etc. being walked all over may just work for you, but it shouldn’t.

Mid Year Blues

I haven’t posted anything for a while but nevertheless, here goes.

It is almost the end of July and I really have no idea where the rest of the year up to here went. It has been a non-descript year, where I have failed miserably so far in getting anything crossed off my list. (You know the list you make at the beginning of the year of things you would like to achieve.) Well now I have all of 5 months to make up for it.

I really wanted to focus on my writing but that hasn’t happened. I wanted to change jobs but that hasn’t happened either. I ordered Julie Jansen’s book “I Don’t Know What Want But I Know It’s Not This: A Step By Step Guide To Finding Gratifying Work” to help me on my quest to find my “working” place in this world. Isn’t sad that there are so many people (the author of this blog included) that are unhappy with their jobs. I mean you spend 8 hours or more of your day there. You spend time commuting to there and back home. You sometimes take it home with you. I really ought to be fun. I’m not having fun. I feel like every minute I spend in the office (which is probably giving everyone there sick building syndrome) I feel like the life is being sucked out of me. I spend every day counting the minutes to quitting time. I ask myself in the mornings why I have to go to work today and on Mondays the answer is usually “because it’s Monday, it being the first working day of the week”. The thing is while I am disillusioned with my current employment, I have no idea what I want to do. Of course there are endless possibilities but I just can’t keep myself still enough to make a plan, stick with it and see it through.

I was supposed to exercise. This is supposed to be week 3 of my Body by Glamour diet and workout programme and well, I haven’t been dieting or exercising. Well technically that is not true. I have been eating smaller portions unwillingly since I haven’t really had much of an appetite and I’ve been trying to walk more. So instead of getting lunch somewhere close by, I find a place that it is not so close and walk to it but as to the official programme, nothing.

At some point in January I wanted to go to law school and between sending in the damn application and it getting close to the time for me to find out if I had actually gotten accepted I decided that I didn’t want to get accepted. So as usual with my twisted relationship with the universe, I got accepted and as of right now I don’t think I am going to go. The funny thing is that, I made my peace with that yesterday. Once I stopped long enough to be able to hear what was being said I got the message. The message that said you don’t have to go, the message that said plan B. And for the first time, I heard what Plan B was supposed to be and I wasn’t left in a tizzy trying to figure my life out.

Apparently this whole figuring out life thing is might not be as hard as I have been purporting it to be. It is just that you know where you want to get but you don’t know the route to get there and then sometimes as soon as you think you have the route all figured out, you decide on a whole new destination and then you have to do the whole figuring out of the route all over again. I think I would rather know the route and have the destination be a surprise.

As of right now, with all the resolve I can muster up on a Monday after lunch, I am throwing out the list, but not throwing in the towel.

New Version Of Me

I'm blogging because its the 8th day of the new year and I have not written anything as yet. It is a new year with countless possibilities and after the year I had last year, this year just has to be hands down better. So here's my take on the matter, its an even numbered year, i'm born on an even numbered day in an even numbered month and will be an even numbered age in a leap year (one extra day to fix any messes that may occur), so its going to be 2000 and great! not eight.

So to the new version of me. The new version of me is going to be more assertive and aggressive. She is not going to put up with the crap. She is going to acquire the car and start the process towards acquiring the house. She is not going to be depressed. She is going to love. She is not going to gripe. She is going to live life to its fullest because she is going to remember that she has only one life to live.

Dear S.L.,

When reality imposes itself upon your dreams,
feelings flutter, flicker, fan the flames of woeful
indecision. No need to clarify
for those mystified by Choice, when scarred
by their own inadmission. It’s Yours-
the right to chose what’s right for You. Shoes on other feet
might have walked to a different beat, drowning out the others.

Had you chosen antiseptic floors and paper gowns,
You would have earned the ire of others claiming
soapbox status; vilified and made to
wear the scarlet letter. We must
not criticize what we do not understand,
promote the golden rule, temper expectations,
appreciate we make mistakes –Life is unpredictable.

Now you now have your vindication; I heard it on the news
but narrow-minded pipsqueaks may try to refute
the truth, deny the veritable
intricacy of Life; parade
double standards with heads held high above
the throng; forgetting that each one of us treads the
same sod. When curtains close, this fact remains: It is Your womb.

The List

As I thought about what this article would be about I thought of Max Ehrmann’s “Desiderata”. It is said that wisdom comes with age and even though compared with other people, like my grandmother for instance, I have lived a relatively short life I think that I have bit of wisdom I could impart. This article, and I must insert a disclaimer here, is just a bit of what I think I have learned (and there might be at least one thing that I just thought sounded nice) that I thought I would share. I am not proclaiming to be a self help guru and you might have read some of the things on the list in some other form, but that means essentially the same thing, so read the list for the fun of: it if there is anything you’d like to take from it then thanks and if you think it’s a whole lot of hogwash that’s ok too.

So here goes:

1. Don’t be a “Stupid Girl”. Accept yourself, accept your body.
2. Laugh often, especially at yourself.
3. Don’t be afraid to act silly sometimes.
4. Don’t be afraid to be alone. Set aside some time each week to spend alone getting to know you, see how you’ve changed and whether or not it’s for the better.
5. If you have exhausted every single angle trying to figure out if the guy is the real deal and you are still in doubt, get his handwriting analyzed.
6. Your hands should fit together.
7. Dance with a guy before you have sex with him. Dancing together should feel right. Here right and good are not synonymous. Even if one or both of you have two left feet or are rhythm challenged and don’t know any of the latest dance moves it should feel right. If the dancing doesn’t feel right the sex won’t either. After all isn’t dancing the vertical expression of our horizontal intentions.?
8. Find someone who is generous. You have to give to get. He will be blessed for his generosity and as you are a part of his life the blessings will extend to you as well.
9. Have at least one really good guy friend. Girls are great and we need to be there for each other and support one another, but you can rest assured that if your guy friend tells no Mr. “Of the Moment” is bad news you can rest assured he’s probably right; after all he is one of them. Also you can safely assume that it’s not because he wants him for himself unless of course he’s gay and them you would be barking up the wrong tree anyway.
10. Find out what your passion is.
11. Be independent but accept help when it’s offered. Accepting help is not a sign of weakness.
12. If you write poetry don’t write poetry about just any guy. Just in case it’s good and you end up hating him and you can’t separate the art from your feelings about the asshole.
13. Playing pool gets easier after a few drinks.
14. If you feel like you are going to drop the glass you are holding while dancing in a club, perhaps you shouldn’t say fuck it and continue dancing, you should stop and put it down.
15. Read a lot. Read everything.
16. The universe has a way of always putting you where you need to be even if you had made a few wrong turns along the way. Getting lost along the way is not necessarily a bad thing as long as you learn the lesson.
17. Listen to your heart, it knows more than you know but also know when to listen to your head and not your heart. It can be a bit difficult at times but there are moments when both your heart and your head are in sync and it’s absolutely wonderful.
18. Good things come in all sorts of packaging.
19. Try not to make the same mistake too many times.
20. Be patient. Be very, very patient but know when to get up and dance. In case you’re wondering how you’ll know when to dance this is where listening to your heart comes in, just turn off your head if it’s getting too loud with naysaying.


(previously published in the Sunday Observer Bookends)

Love and Marriage

This chronically single twenty-year old went to a wedding last weekend and this has got me thinking about this love and marriage thing. How is it that some people find “the one” so easily and others find “the one” and mess it up, make someone into “the one” or just plain search and search and not find “the one”? Do some people have a gene that makes sure that they are emotionally stable individuals that are meant to marry and do these persons have some kind of sensors to ensure that they find each other relatively easily? Is it a matter of socialization? Do people who grow up in homes where their parents are married and have good relationships more likely to have successful relationships and more likely to marry?

On a personal note, loving someone is a decision I have to make. I don’t just allow myself to fall in love with anyone. I make a conscious decision, having ascertained that I am capable of dealing with falling in love with someone, to allow myself to do this. I think I can safely say that up to this point I have not found “the one”. There were people I would have liked to be “the one” but they weren’t meant to be it so that’s that.

We all know that the tradition at weddings is for all the unmarried women to try and catch the bride’s bouquet as the woman to catch it will be the next to get married. This tradition dates back to the days when women would try to tear a piece of the bride’s dress to be kept as a good luck charm. Well dresses became more expensive and the tradition evolved to that of throwing the bouquet. I did not try to catch the bouquet at this wedding. In fact, I have never tried to catch the bouquet at any wedding. It as never been something I want to do because catching the bouquet would not be of any significance to me and the flowers are going to die anyway and if they are not real who wants those.

A few days before this wedding, I had a conversation with a male friend about what my dream wedding would be like. (Not that I am expecting to get married anytime soon, if ever, but it’s good to be prepared for these sort of things). Ideally my husband and I would elope to some country were we do not speak the language and just sign some papers with two people who up until that day were strangers, for witnesses. However, since I have parents (especially), other family and friends, this has to be modified a bit. The most essential thing for me to have my dream wedding is the dress I want that will be designed specifically for me so no one else in the world will ever have that dress. There will be no singing while the register is being signed as I absolutely loathe this; there will be no “Here Comes the Bride” either. I had been thinking that perhaps I’d walk up the aisle to some piece of music composed specifically for the occasion, however, if Mr. Tarrus Riley would accept an invitation to sing at my nuptials I think I might go with “She’s Royal” instead. Although I have the dream wedding all conceptualized (all I need to do is decide on the colour), I do think I should find someone to be the guy on the cake before I start sending out the invitations.

(previously published in the Sunday Observer Bookends)