Be drunk

Last Friday I got drunk; so drunk that I have no recollection of any events that happened between my sitting on a wall, at a wake, and waking up the next morning. I had not intended on getting drunk, but I did. I went to two bars then ended up at the wake. After getting home assisted by good friends, (and I am sure I really needed the assistance especially going up the stairs) apparently, sometime around 3 a. m. I placed a phone call to a friend, and my housemates heard some unexplained knocking that I will not attribute to myself but hey anything is possible.

I am a chronically single 20-something-year-old-female with a birthday coming up. I hate birthdays. I hate my current job and I was planning to leave at the end of the month but nothing else has come up, so I don’t think this deadline will hold up, but to maintain my sanity I will have to leave sooner or later.

A few weeks ago I discovered Charles Boudelaire’s poem “Be Drunk” translated from French by Louis Simpson. It states “You have to be always drunk”. At this point I am inclined to agree, not necessarily on “wine, poetry or virtue” as the poem goes but on something. You have to be drunk to get through this life. I, myself, intend to be always drunk, but since as of about 10 a.m. on Saturday I give up drink, I will have to find some other poison.

It is really hard to live sober in this world. There are so many wrongs to right and too many rights that really are wrongs. I have been walking around moping, being depressed (due to a chemical imbalance, my self diagnosis) for the last few weeks only to now realize that the person who has been most on my case about looking up is going through a much harder time than myself. So if he can still find it within himself to encourage me, then what the hell am I doing being Ms. Sad Eyes.

The ironies of life are such that the woman whose husband was murdered last year, present day, is the woman walking around with the condolence card for some other woman who has lost a child. Now who wouldn’t need to be drunk for that? Or having to deal with the guy who won’t/can’t commit but who you can’t get from under your skin. Or realizing that you have made one too many wrong turns in life and maybe you need to just stop for half an hour at least and do nothing. Just watch time go by and then maybe if you get still enough the voices will stop and you can really listen to your heart and find your path. I suppose you would agree that you just might get to this path sooner if you are at least a little tipsy. So here’s to being drunk.


(previously published in the Sunday Observer Bookends)