It’s 8.05 p.m. Jamaica time and I am sitting at home finding everything to do except the assignment that is due tomorrow that I haven’t even started and don’t have a clue how to do. I had asked for an extension yesterday but the response to that request has not been forthcoming, so unless when I wake up tomorrow there will be an email in my box saying extension granted, I’m basically screwed. And if it is that said email will be there tomorrow, it would be great if I found that out about right now.
I have been sitting here going over the day’s events. I have thought about the lyrics to Linkin Park’s “Leave Out All The Rest”, the child who thinks he has an interfering parent who he just wants to leave him alone, how empty I felt today and the lengths one goes in the name of “love”. So, each one in turn:
Leave Out All The Rest is my song for this week. You know that in Jamaica no matter how bad a person was, nothing bad is ever said at the funeral (at least not in the official proceedings), well this is the song, in my opinion, that the not so great people would sing before dying if our culture was not what it is. The song is much more than that but you listen and decide for yourself what you want it to mean.
And to the child who wants to be left alone. One day you are going to wake up and that interfering parent is not going to be there and you know what, you are going to miss him. There will be a void that no one in any other shoes will be able to fill. In most cases our parents do what they think is best for us; give them the courtesy of at least listening before jumping to conclusions. And it does take them a while to get used to the fact that you are an adult capable of making your own decisions and dealing with the consequences. But they are always going to want to save you no matter where you are or how old you are.
I cannot think of a particular reason for the emptiness, but today was one of those days. We all have them, some of us worse than others. But we live through them even if we feel like we would not want to and then before you know it, it is tomorrow with its own agenda. So on to tomorrow.
Love is a wonderful thing. I have no problems with love, but what is it about being in love or it might just be plain infatuation that makes us act in the craziest of ways? Relationships have to be based on reciprocity. You give and I give. Not I give all the time and you take all the time. While I do acknowledge the need to not keep score in a realtionship, you do have to keep a tally of sorts. This is not to be used as ammunition but to evaluate if the relationship is giving you all you need and/or you are sacrificing too much. Granted, what works for one person may not work for another and given your maturity level, your self esteem etc. being walked all over may just work for you, but it shouldn’t.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Mid Year Blues
I haven’t posted anything for a while but nevertheless, here goes.
It is almost the end of July and I really have no idea where the rest of the year up to here went. It has been a non-descript year, where I have failed miserably so far in getting anything crossed off my list. (You know the list you make at the beginning of the year of things you would like to achieve.) Well now I have all of 5 months to make up for it.
I really wanted to focus on my writing but that hasn’t happened. I wanted to change jobs but that hasn’t happened either. I ordered Julie Jansen’s book “I Don’t Know What Want But I Know It’s Not This: A Step By Step Guide To Finding Gratifying Work” to help me on my quest to find my “working” place in this world. Isn’t sad that there are so many people (the author of this blog included) that are unhappy with their jobs. I mean you spend 8 hours or more of your day there. You spend time commuting to there and back home. You sometimes take it home with you. I really ought to be fun. I’m not having fun. I feel like every minute I spend in the office (which is probably giving everyone there sick building syndrome) I feel like the life is being sucked out of me. I spend every day counting the minutes to quitting time. I ask myself in the mornings why I have to go to work today and on Mondays the answer is usually “because it’s Monday, it being the first working day of the week”. The thing is while I am disillusioned with my current employment, I have no idea what I want to do. Of course there are endless possibilities but I just can’t keep myself still enough to make a plan, stick with it and see it through.
I was supposed to exercise. This is supposed to be week 3 of my Body by Glamour diet and workout programme and well, I haven’t been dieting or exercising. Well technically that is not true. I have been eating smaller portions unwillingly since I haven’t really had much of an appetite and I’ve been trying to walk more. So instead of getting lunch somewhere close by, I find a place that it is not so close and walk to it but as to the official programme, nothing.
At some point in January I wanted to go to law school and between sending in the damn application and it getting close to the time for me to find out if I had actually gotten accepted I decided that I didn’t want to get accepted. So as usual with my twisted relationship with the universe, I got accepted and as of right now I don’t think I am going to go. The funny thing is that, I made my peace with that yesterday. Once I stopped long enough to be able to hear what was being said I got the message. The message that said you don’t have to go, the message that said plan B. And for the first time, I heard what Plan B was supposed to be and I wasn’t left in a tizzy trying to figure my life out.
Apparently this whole figuring out life thing is might not be as hard as I have been purporting it to be. It is just that you know where you want to get but you don’t know the route to get there and then sometimes as soon as you think you have the route all figured out, you decide on a whole new destination and then you have to do the whole figuring out of the route all over again. I think I would rather know the route and have the destination be a surprise.
As of right now, with all the resolve I can muster up on a Monday after lunch, I am throwing out the list, but not throwing in the towel.
It is almost the end of July and I really have no idea where the rest of the year up to here went. It has been a non-descript year, where I have failed miserably so far in getting anything crossed off my list. (You know the list you make at the beginning of the year of things you would like to achieve.) Well now I have all of 5 months to make up for it.
I really wanted to focus on my writing but that hasn’t happened. I wanted to change jobs but that hasn’t happened either. I ordered Julie Jansen’s book “I Don’t Know What Want But I Know It’s Not This: A Step By Step Guide To Finding Gratifying Work” to help me on my quest to find my “working” place in this world. Isn’t sad that there are so many people (the author of this blog included) that are unhappy with their jobs. I mean you spend 8 hours or more of your day there. You spend time commuting to there and back home. You sometimes take it home with you. I really ought to be fun. I’m not having fun. I feel like every minute I spend in the office (which is probably giving everyone there sick building syndrome) I feel like the life is being sucked out of me. I spend every day counting the minutes to quitting time. I ask myself in the mornings why I have to go to work today and on Mondays the answer is usually “because it’s Monday, it being the first working day of the week”. The thing is while I am disillusioned with my current employment, I have no idea what I want to do. Of course there are endless possibilities but I just can’t keep myself still enough to make a plan, stick with it and see it through.
I was supposed to exercise. This is supposed to be week 3 of my Body by Glamour diet and workout programme and well, I haven’t been dieting or exercising. Well technically that is not true. I have been eating smaller portions unwillingly since I haven’t really had much of an appetite and I’ve been trying to walk more. So instead of getting lunch somewhere close by, I find a place that it is not so close and walk to it but as to the official programme, nothing.
At some point in January I wanted to go to law school and between sending in the damn application and it getting close to the time for me to find out if I had actually gotten accepted I decided that I didn’t want to get accepted. So as usual with my twisted relationship with the universe, I got accepted and as of right now I don’t think I am going to go. The funny thing is that, I made my peace with that yesterday. Once I stopped long enough to be able to hear what was being said I got the message. The message that said you don’t have to go, the message that said plan B. And for the first time, I heard what Plan B was supposed to be and I wasn’t left in a tizzy trying to figure my life out.
Apparently this whole figuring out life thing is might not be as hard as I have been purporting it to be. It is just that you know where you want to get but you don’t know the route to get there and then sometimes as soon as you think you have the route all figured out, you decide on a whole new destination and then you have to do the whole figuring out of the route all over again. I think I would rather know the route and have the destination be a surprise.
As of right now, with all the resolve I can muster up on a Monday after lunch, I am throwing out the list, but not throwing in the towel.
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