Mid Year Blues

I haven’t posted anything for a while but nevertheless, here goes.

It is almost the end of July and I really have no idea where the rest of the year up to here went. It has been a non-descript year, where I have failed miserably so far in getting anything crossed off my list. (You know the list you make at the beginning of the year of things you would like to achieve.) Well now I have all of 5 months to make up for it.

I really wanted to focus on my writing but that hasn’t happened. I wanted to change jobs but that hasn’t happened either. I ordered Julie Jansen’s book “I Don’t Know What Want But I Know It’s Not This: A Step By Step Guide To Finding Gratifying Work” to help me on my quest to find my “working” place in this world. Isn’t sad that there are so many people (the author of this blog included) that are unhappy with their jobs. I mean you spend 8 hours or more of your day there. You spend time commuting to there and back home. You sometimes take it home with you. I really ought to be fun. I’m not having fun. I feel like every minute I spend in the office (which is probably giving everyone there sick building syndrome) I feel like the life is being sucked out of me. I spend every day counting the minutes to quitting time. I ask myself in the mornings why I have to go to work today and on Mondays the answer is usually “because it’s Monday, it being the first working day of the week”. The thing is while I am disillusioned with my current employment, I have no idea what I want to do. Of course there are endless possibilities but I just can’t keep myself still enough to make a plan, stick with it and see it through.

I was supposed to exercise. This is supposed to be week 3 of my Body by Glamour diet and workout programme and well, I haven’t been dieting or exercising. Well technically that is not true. I have been eating smaller portions unwillingly since I haven’t really had much of an appetite and I’ve been trying to walk more. So instead of getting lunch somewhere close by, I find a place that it is not so close and walk to it but as to the official programme, nothing.

At some point in January I wanted to go to law school and between sending in the damn application and it getting close to the time for me to find out if I had actually gotten accepted I decided that I didn’t want to get accepted. So as usual with my twisted relationship with the universe, I got accepted and as of right now I don’t think I am going to go. The funny thing is that, I made my peace with that yesterday. Once I stopped long enough to be able to hear what was being said I got the message. The message that said you don’t have to go, the message that said plan B. And for the first time, I heard what Plan B was supposed to be and I wasn’t left in a tizzy trying to figure my life out.

Apparently this whole figuring out life thing is might not be as hard as I have been purporting it to be. It is just that you know where you want to get but you don’t know the route to get there and then sometimes as soon as you think you have the route all figured out, you decide on a whole new destination and then you have to do the whole figuring out of the route all over again. I think I would rather know the route and have the destination be a surprise.

As of right now, with all the resolve I can muster up on a Monday after lunch, I am throwing out the list, but not throwing in the towel.